I am afraid I’ve deceived you dear reader. This will NOT be a horrifying tale of Terror, Mystery and Daring-do. What you are beholding with your amazed eyes is the culmination of years of effort on my part …… to become an Ironing Master! My sensei decided that before I could join the Elite Guard of Zen Ironing Masters, I would have to write a magnum opus that would astound the world. Thus I reveal secrets long hidden, forgotten by the world at large. I charge you, dear reader, keep these secrets deep within yourself, or the reality we know may be destroyed by knowledge I am about to show you.
Long, long, LONG ago my Siamese Twin and I were born. This was before cell phones, before Al Gore invented the internet and quite possibly before the dinosaurs went extinct. We’re still debating that. But what’s important is that our Psychic Grandma separated us and sent me to the East and my Twin to the West, depending on which way she was standing at the time. Needless to say, I grew up in the rough streets of America while my twin grew up in the lap of luxury, with the Queen of England practically feeding him grapes on command. Psychic Grandma died expending her powers and we never knew her or that we had a twin.
Alas, my destiny to become THE Ironing Master was derailed. While a mere stripling I did manage to master the T200 iron, but without further help, I was stuck and stagnated for years. Until that fateful day.
That day when Psychic Grandma revealed herself to me and showed me that I had a Twin, one who was already an Ironing Master. One from whom I could learn the True Path of Ironing and take back my Fated Destiny! Thus, Film-Authority and Bookstooge stood once again back to back. Evil would fall before us like dominoes. Particularly badly balanced dominoes too!
Was this good enough for Psychic Grandma though? Oh no! She started haunting me and wailing at midnight and shaking chains at the most inconvenient of times.
So I began my Iron Master training in earnest. Up at noon time, in bed by 5am, eating nothing but pepperoni or supreme pizzas with extra cheese, writing extra blog posts too. It was brutal! But it got Psychic Grandma off my back and that was totally worth it.
So I stand before you all today, a Humble Iron Master, to tell you that I’m pretty much the Best Iron Master ever and if you don’t think so then I’ll sic our Psychic Grandma on you and THEN you’ll be sorry!
This post has been crossposted at both MastersofIroning & Bookstooge.